Given Up
Yes, the title says it all. Not even Adele could have given the right words to describe what I’m feeling. It’s all resignation. I tried distracting myself amidst this impending mental, emotional, and relationship breakdown. I have tried my best to obscure the most intense feelings, yet I have failed. Now, I raise my arms in surrender and let fate take its course.
There have been lots of speculation regarding what I’m going through. I was approached the other day by a colleague and asked if I was okay. I replied with a simple yes not admitting even to myself that something is definitely wrong. Hopefully, before my sanity and my walls collapse down on me, I can admit to the possibility that I’m not okay.
Jerson died a few months ago. Though I’m not sure that my fate will be the same, I’m now treading on that same path that he took. I have always mentioned that I would die at the age of 25. Apparently, I think I won’t, but my feeling of reservation and obscurity slowly eats away my health and my sanity.
I have had another asthma attack today. I am using my inhaler, but it seems that it isn’t working. I may have forgotten to inhale a few days back, but my pulmonologist somehow implied that the severity and frequency of attacks will not be affected though I missed a few dosages. The past few days seemed to tell otherwise since I always have shortness of breath recently. I had a minor one in 2J yesterday and a near attack in 4J before classes were suspended. I have used the term psychosomatic to a ex’s condition a few weeks ago. Now, I’m thinking that this asthma is the same.
I have my sanity in check recently. I have read lots of websites about bipolarity and schizoprenia and apparently I have the early signs of such. It is said in those that emotional and psychological trauma are the primary causes of the two and, unfortunately, I am deluge with severe cases of both. I guess only time will tell when I would go overboard. Only time will tell.
Now, you may ask, what causes all of these? Let’s just say it’s an extreme case of heartbreak brought about my personal and social rejection that I have experienced since the past. I have placed my heart on my sleeve that I had it broken to billions of pieces. I have cheated. I have had multiple relationships. I have hurt lots of people. I have rejected. I get rejected some more. I get punched in my gut (figuratively). Add to the fact, that I haven’t cried real tears for the past two years. Most of all, I let go of love when I found it profound and beyond superficial. Talk about a nega love story to the max, huh? Yet, like what I said, I give up. I give up on love. I give up hope. I give up my heart. I give up my existence. I only have my faith for God and my patience for death left.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, even I can’t believe that I’m writing this note. No, this isn’t a cry for help. This is not even a suicide note. I just want to let everyone know what I’m going through. Again, no questions should be asked. It only adds up to the millions of stuff that I’m thinking about. I will be fine I guess. Only time can tell. What I can assure everyone is that I will find a way to escape this reality I have now.
No need to worry everyone. I have just given up…
